Death and money: How do you talk to your parents about the uncomfortable conversation?
Welcome back to Uncomfortable Conversations About Money, a new series where we will tackle topics or situations around money that make you uneasy. We'll outline the problem and try to get you some usable solutions.
Today's topic: How do you talk to your parents about death and finances – without seeming like you are money-hungry?
Daughter wants to avoid repeat hardships after dad's death
The dilemma: Last year, Melisa Gotto’s father died.
“We did talk about death and sort of what accounts he had and what his desires were for when he passed, but we didn't really get into the nitty-gritty of it,” said Gotto, of Green, Ohio.
But Gotto said she – and her father, Dave, – were unprepared for all that came with tying up everything from funeral arrangements to his financial affairs.
For instance, her dad had a burial plot in California but died in Nevada. She didn’t know it cost $10,000 and required special health department permission to transport a body over state lines.
Gotto’s parents were divorced. Now, Gotto wants to avoid the headaches and heartache she dealt with after her dad’s death. She has begun talking to her 69-year-old mom, Kim Slingluff, about how Slingluff will afford to live the rest of her life – and how the two of them prepare for her mom's death.
“It is a very uncomfortable conversation when you start talking about a taboo topic,'' said Gotto, CEO of Scandal Co-Active, a boutique public relations and marketing agency. "As a society, we don't really talk about death, but it's something that we all will experience. I think it's something we should all start talking about.”
Gotto’s dad had communicated verbally that she’d be the executor of his estate when he died. But he left no other instructions for her and her brother, such as his medical wishes or details of what exactly to do after his death.
“He was pretty organized and had everything in a safe, but I didn’t know where that was,” she said.
Gotto said her dad also didn’t have enough finances to cover his funeral expenses. And seven months after his death, she’s still trying to get the title for his car.
Gotto says she doesn’t want to seem greedy discussing her mom’s finances or wishes after her death, but she doesn’t want to repeat what happened with her dad.
She has begun telling friends with kids to “do them a huge favor. Get all of this settled before you get older because it's so important.”
Gotto said she has been approaching the subject with her mom with compassion and empathy. Slingluff has been verbally telling her things, but Gotto knows she needs to get things in writing.
Gotto’s advice to others: “Make a list of everything you want to ask them because you don't want to have to keep revisiting the conversation.
“Try to have some patience and understanding. And then if they don't want to have those conversations, you have to respect that, too.”
Don't leave grieving relatives with a mystery to solve
The expert advice: Talking about death and finances is an uncomfortable conversation and one that some of certified financial planner Jan G. Valecka’s clients are more willing to have than others.
Some clients feel “they have to disclose everything: their bank accounts, how much ... they have, and that's where I think it becomes uncomfortable and they feel a little bit vulnerable,” said Valecka of Valecka Wealth Management in Dallas.
“If I had to talk to somebody about estate planning, financial planning, legacy (planning), I would start from the benefit of your loved one. ‘Who would you want to take care of or help if all of a sudden something happened to you? ... And it doesn't have to be dollar signs, it just has to be more of what are your wishes,” said Valecka.
Having that conversation and letting your loved one know where the important documents are can be so helpful after a death, she said.
Valecka’s family had its own experience with this subject. Her husband, Bob, knew that he would be the executor of his uncle’s estate. However, his uncle did not want to discuss details of his death or his financial affairs.
Bob Valecka’s uncle, Joseph Valecka, was found dead the day after Christmas in 2022, with his wife who has dementia next to him unaware that he had died.
Bob and Jan Valecka had to quickly work to gain guardianship of the aunt and tend to the uncle’s estate.
But they had no instructions. They couldn’t find a will or any estate documents. It turned out there had been a will and Power of Attorney and other documents drawn up. They didn’t find them until after they went to court for emergency guardianship of the aunt.
The unanswered questions ranged from the significant to the mundane. Had he wanted to be buried or cremated? The uncle and aunt had a lake house. But the Valeckas had no key and didn’t know the security code to get into it, or how to turn on the wells, or if someone plowed the driveway.
“It was a mystery to us,” she said. “It could have been so much easier with planning and an uncomfortable conversation."
Gotto’s approach to talking to her mom with compassion is a good one, said Valecka.
Some people are just uncomfortable talking about their death, she said. Some clients say it makes death too real.
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Approach your loved one with the idea that they are sharing their wishes and helping the people they love after their death, Valecka suggested.
In that conversation, talk about getting a will, health directives and even user names and passwords for digital accounts, she said. Valecka didn’t know she would need a copy of the uncle and aunt's marriage license to get the aunt on the uncle's Social Security benefits. Valecka has now added that to her estate documents.
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Betty Lin-Fisher is a consumer reporter for USA TODAY. Reach her at [email protected] or follow her on X, Facebook, or Instagram @blinfisher. Sign up for our free The Daily Money newsletter, which will include consumer news on Fridays, here.